03-26-14 - Work

If I work hard enough, fill my life with work, concentrate on work, eventually I'll be dead and never have to face life.

I heard some Tony Robbins on NPR (I know, lol) and he said something about how "you should wake up each morning excited to face the day".

It occurred to me that I haven't had that in a long time, and I used to have it constantly. I used to love coding so much that I would stay up late into the night thinking about it, unable to sleep. I kept a notepad by my bed to write code ideas on because otherwise I would feel the need to hop out of bed to write things down at night. In the morning I'd pop out of bed full of ideas, "I can fix this bug here, if I change this here..." and jump straight on the computer.

I haven't done that consistently in ages. Occasionally if I'm working on some new algorithm that excites me I'll get a little of it.

(part of the reason is that I've specifically tried to train that out of my life; I now stop using the computer around 7 PM and don't let myself get back on it for *anything* , no internet browsing, no emails, no nada)

But it also occurs to me that it was not entirely happy back then.

One of the few times that I do go into crazy workahol mode these days is when I'm deeply upset. When I've had a fight with my wife, or some friend has really hurt me. When I can't face life. Then I go back to the old ways. I tense up, put my head down, and subconsciously just start thinking about work.

One of the funny things I've noticed is that when I'm upset like that, I start writing rants in my head that are like the old cbloom "how to code" rants. Things about factoring out functions, not using ad-hoc atomic ops, etc. Arr, I'm gonna be all pedantic and teach the world how to be because I know best, arr.

I guess my point is that the "excited to pop straight to work in the morning" is not necessarily a good thing.