03-17-14 - Sex and Cars

Cars, particularly sports cars, as sexual objects is so obvious that it feels like a tired cliche. But here we go anyway.

Everyone thinks they're a great driver and great sexer and in reality are probably terrible at both.

When I know I'm coming to a nice twisty road where I can stretch the car, I get all tingly inside, my eyes widen, my heart rate picks up, I concentrate fully on the moment, get into the lovely rhythm of the corners, start working hard wrestling the car.

You've got to get a sports car out and wring its neck regularly. It needs it, like a race horse. You've got to get the revs up, get it all hot, get the juices flowing, make it scream. Obviously the sound of a car is hugely important, it's how it tells you that it's loving it. Fast electric cars are hugely disappointing, they just don't seem to be enjoying it. What's wrong, don't you like this road? I'm giving you full throttle, why aren't you making any noise?

Shows like Top Gear are of course pornography. At times it feels a bit sick watching gross old men having sex.

For me the pleasure of looking at a fast, beautiful car is imagining what it can do for me. The thrills it will give when I put my foot down. Ooo yeah, look at that beauty, I bet she'll scream when I work her hard. Yes it's objectively beautiful as an object, the curves and so on, but that sort of artistic beauty is a bit boring, like black and white "art nude" photos. Bleh. I've never seen any appeal in a Concourse d'Elegance (jesus christ trying so hard to be aristocractic, it's a fucking car show you posers) or a car museum or whatever. Can I drive it? No? See ya. I've similarly never had much interest in strip clubs. Can we talk? can I take you home and drive you fast and get our heart rates up? No? I'm bored. It's the experience of driving.

It's lovely to have something that's just yours. Your house, your job, your relationships, obviously they are more important, but they're big complicated fucked up things, you can't make them the way you want, you have to negotiate and compromise and it's all a big pain in the ass. Your car is just like a little microcosm that you can have to yourself. Some people like them really clean and perfect, others like them to be covered in fast food wrappers, but it's yours the way you want. It's relaxing. If the window stops working nobody yells at you to fix it, you can just leave it broken. A car is your mistress. It's not that the mistress is better than your wife, it's not that she's sexier or does things your wife doesn't; when wives find out about mistress they always yell "is she prettier than me?", no that's not it at all, it's just that it's relaxing, it's easy, if you piss it off you don't have to deal with it all day, it's not a big complicated relationship that you have to maintain. If you forget your car's birthday, it still takes you for a fast drive the next day.

I love the style of old sports cars (Aston DB4!) but in reality I don't want to own one. Sure, I know you were fast back in your day, but now I just have to be gently with you or you'll break. That's just not my style.

Old men who finally get to buy their Ferrari or whatever are obviously just like the old men who marry some young hot trophy. You old loser, you don't even know what to do with that any more. Partly it's them finally getting what they wanted when they were young, but it's also a way of sticking it to the young men - look what I've got, I've got what you want. Watch out old man, the valet might take your Ferrari for a ride like it doesn't get from you.

Guys who buy a fast car and then just polish it and never really use it must be sexless. They obsess over how low their mileage is and how they've never gotten the revs past 3000. Their poor wives. You've got a use that machine. You've got to be a bit rough on it to make it happy. It wants it.

Some guys buy a car and then are just never satisfied with it. They have to keep modding, changing this and that, trying to get more power, change the looks. Then they get bored of it and sell it and get another. They never work on themselves, at being a faster driver, at enjoying it the way it is, taking it out to fun roads, it's always the machine that has to be better, has to be different to keep them entertained.

I've seen guys say that "looking for the right car is part of the fun". (particularly on Porsche forums and buyer's guides and such). Umm, no. Going out to the bars, dating, all that shit, it's fucking awful. You get flakers and liars and lots of false hopes that turn out to not work out, people trying to rip you off. It's only tolerable because of the reward you get in the end. The search is not fun. Yeah sure a tiny bit of anticipation and hunting is exciting, but the reality is just that it takes so many awful dead ends to get the good result.

One thing I've noticed recently is race drivers congratulating each other for good sex :

First of all, track driving is like a level of sex that most street drivers never imagine. Sure you can have some fun on the road, but it's at such a mild intensity level. There's something special that happens when you get into a flow, the car is screaming, you're full of adrenalin, sweating, wrestling the wheel, breathing hard, turn after turn, pumping the gas faster and faster, you feel alive, it becomes a physical act. You're not just sitting on your ass, you're working, getting your body into it. I imagine that racing at a high level is even another huge step beyond that.

When you see the end of a race, and two drivers have been really going at it, racing hard, but respectfully - they want to give the other person a chance for a good race; in good sex you obviously are trying to take your own pleasure, but you don't want to just treat the other person badly, it's a dance with them, you're working together; yes you dive into the corner to make the pass, but you don't just smash into them, you give them a gap so maybe they can show you something special. You're laughing, you're surprised at what they can do. When two drivers go through a fast corner wheel to wheel, where neither one thought that two cars could get through, every sense and muscle at their peak trying to keep the cars in shape, that's a good fuck. At the end of the race the drivers are all blissed out and high, and they pat each other on the back - good racing, that was crazy what you did back there at T13. I respect him, he's a tough racer but we always have fun competing against each other.