03-13-14 - The Dark Side

I have two modes. (actually a lot more, but let's just say two for now).

One is quite relaxed, magnanimous. I can play a board game and see that my neighbor is trying to cheat, and I'll just be amused by how silly they are to care so much about something so silly. I can sit in a chair and sip a drink and just enjoy the feeling of the atmosphere.

But that side is not a very good worker. Faced with chores or work, the relaxed me thinks "well okay, maybe I'll get to that someday, but what's the point of it really?".

The other side is very intense. He thinks you're all fucking retarded. He wants to smash all the god damn computers which can't even open a fucking file over the network without stalling out for 30 seconds. (everyone is fired!). He knows he can do everything better than everyone and he's out to prove it.

The intense side is a very fast worker. But he's not very nice to be around. I spent most of my youth in that mode. I felt like there was so much to do, and I had to do it all. I was horrible to the people around me.

I have great admiration for people who are able to work hard, but be relaxed about it. They can still be relaxed or take a break from work and be nice to people.

I can't manage that. If I'm in a big work mode and someone tries to talk to me, you might get something like - "what do you want? get to the point. Ok, yes I'll do that. Do you need anything else? Ok, that's it."

I don't really know how to fix it. In order to stop working and relax and be patient, you have to believe that crunching on the work is not important. That being nice to people around you is more important than the work. But if you believe that, then why do you ever work hard?

Anyway, I've been in the dark side a lot recently and it's been hard on Tasha. She has no idea how good she's had it (compared to my past anyway), I used to spend years in the dark side.

When I read about nerds like Jeff Bezos who drink the workahol and snap at people, I'm supposed to think how intense and smart they are. It just reminds me of myself in my youth. Those are the characteristics of a smart nerd that never grew up emotionally.

One of the things I've gotten in touch with recently is the realization that the "dark side" has a certain physical feeling for me. My head feels like it's been compressed; I sort of tense all my muscles; I definitely hunch forward. As long as I'm in the hyper-productive mental state I don't even notice it; it's like my brain goes so far into the tasks that it loses all contact with my physical body.