12-12-13 - Baby Baby Baby

Baby has taught me the idea of unconditional love.

Romantic adults like to talk about "true love" and "till death do us part" and shit like that, but of course all adult love is conditional. If you beat me, I will leave, if you cheat on me, I will leave, if you just start to treat me like shit and nag me and put me down all the time, I will leave, if you get really fat and lazy, I will leave, etc. Of course its conditional, if you really think you have unconditional love for someone, you're either a moron or a victim of abuse, or just a pathetic unmotivated martyr. Decent people don't stay in bad adult relationships.

But with Emmy, I just want the best for her. I want to give her sweetness and love and a happy life, no matter what. I know she will be bad to me. As a child she will pout and yell and punch me and be a jerk, and I will love her anyway. As a teenager she will probably be really deeply awful to me for many years, and I will feel like our love is entirely one sided, but that's okay I'll let her go through that.

It's an entirely different feeling of love than anything I've experienced before.

Even the best adult love, the feeling is more like hope - I hope this works out, I hope she keeps loving me; it's an optimistic happy feeling. This is different, I guess I feel like this love for Emmy is inside me, it's not determined by anything in the outside world, and in that sense I have complete control over it, it's not vulnerable.

My relationship with baby is incredibly satisfying and rewarding. But it occurs to me that if I put the same amount of time and effort into other relationships, they would probably be rewarding too. It's just so much fucking work, and so much emotional engagement all the time, I've never given this much of myself to another person ever.

I suppose if you went around giving unconditional love to everyone, you would probably be pretty happy; blissed out like the Dalai Fucking Lama.