12-18-12 - Winter


the winter
keeps whispering in my ear
"eat sweets"
"drink booze"
"watch TV"
"go to sleep"
"be depressed"
FUCK YOU WINTER!
stop trying to trick me into being more miserable

One of the sneaky things about depression is that it is self-perpetuating; that's a weird counter-adaptation; it tries to send you into a positive feedback cycle. Similarly, if you manage to get yourself out of it, it's an unstable equilibrium and you have to be vigilant to hold on to it.

The really sneaky thing about it is that it leaks out in all sorts of strange ways. You never attribute it to the real cause. I don't just sit around going "bleh it's gray". Instead it's "I hate my job" or "I hate these moron drivers" or "freaking Microsoft" or all kinds of things to hate that are not actually the cause.

Sometimes I'll go through a whole sequence of behaviors that I think are totally logical and appropriate responses, and only much later will I realize ZOMG I was just super depressed and all my actions there were just me being a pouty baby.

12-18-12 - Hello World

I think stuff and then write it down.

This is an experimental no-comments blog. I may or may not continue it depending on how I feel.

I've found the official "cbloom rants" has become overly technical, and I feel increasingly funny about writing personal or ill-conceived stuff on there. Reading back through the old cbloom rants, what I miss is the humor, the personal stuff, mixed in with a bit of tech.

I also stumbled on Inigo Quilez' blog which I find to be absolutely charming and reminds me of the old cbloom rants.

One thing I want to get away from is that feeling like I can't open up or be honest because it bothers people. When I first starting ranting, I wrote pretty much whatever I wanted, and people who were bothered could suck it. But over the years I lost my moral righteousness and instead succumbed to the expediency of not making trouble and having to deal with the fallout.

Honesty is never rewarded. People love to pay lip service to it, but if you actually speak honestly about your employer, or your government, or your friends, or your lovers, or anything that matters at all then oh no that's off limits. You can be "honest" but only if it's cute phoney self-deprecation or just about total trivialities.