12-18-12 - Winter

the winter
keeps whispering in my ear
"eat sweets"
"drink booze"
"watch TV"
"go to sleep"
"be depressed"
stop trying to trick me into being more miserable

One of the sneaky things about depression is that it is self-perpetuating; that's a weird counter-adaptation; it tries to send you into a positive feedback cycle. Similarly, if you manage to get yourself out of it, it's an unstable equilibrium and you have to be vigilant to hold on to it.

The really sneaky thing about it is that it leaks out in all sorts of strange ways. You never attribute it to the real cause. I don't just sit around going "bleh it's gray". Instead it's "I hate my job" or "I hate these moron drivers" or "freaking Microsoft" or all kinds of things to hate that are not actually the cause.

Sometimes I'll go through a whole sequence of behaviors that I think are totally logical and appropriate responses, and only much later will I realize ZOMG I was just super depressed and all my actions there were just me being a pouty baby.